I used to think that washing my face with the same bar of Irish Spring I used on my armpits was a personality trait. It wasn’t. It was just a recipe for looking like a piece of old luggage by the time I hit thirty-five. Back in 2018, I had this massive breakout right before a wedding in Chicago—I’m talking a deep, cystic mountain on my chin that had its own zip code—and I panicked. I went to the store and bought the first thing I saw: a ‘charcoal scrub’ that felt like rubbing wet sandpaper on an open wound. My face stayed red for three days. It was humiliating.

That is when I found the Reddit skincare threads. If you search for the best skincare routine men reddit, you will find a cult-like devotion to specific bottles of goop. I spent about four months tracking my results in a spreadsheet, testing six different cleansers and three moisturizers, and I have some thoughts that might annoy the enthusiasts.

The part that actually matters (and it’s cheap)

If you go on r/SkincareAddiction, they will try to convince you that you need a 12-step routine involving acids that sound like they belong in a car battery. You don’t. Most guys just need three things. What I mean is—actually, let me put it differently. You need a way to get the dirt off, a way to keep the water in, and a way to stop the sun from murdering your DNA. That’s it.

The Reddit ‘Holy Grail’ for a reason is the CeraVe Hydrating Facial Cleanser. I have bought the same $14.99 bottle six times now. I don’t care if there is something more ‘luxurious’ out there. It doesn’t foam up, which feels weird at first, like you’re washing your face with lotion, but it doesn’t leave your skin feeling tight. If your skin feels tight after washing, you’ve basically just committed arson on your face’s natural oil barrier.

• Cleanser: CeraVe Hydrating or La Roche-Posay Toleriane.
• Moisturizer: Neutrogena Hydro Boost (the extra dry version, even if you aren’t dry).
• Sunscreen: Anything that doesn’t smell like a beach in 1994.

I know people will disagree with me on this, but I think most ‘men’s’ branded skincare is an absolute scam. It’s usually just a standard moisturizer packed into a charcoal-grey bottle with a ‘Sandalwood and Gunsmoke’ scent that irritates your skin. I refuse to buy anything that says ‘For Men’ in big block letters. It’s fragile masculinity in a bottle. Buy the stuff in the plain white and blue packaging. It works better.

The best routine is the one you actually do when you’re tired at 11:30 PM.

The ‘Active’ trap and my personal failure

At one point, I got really into ‘actives.’ These are the serums—Vitamin C, Retinol, Niacinamide. I thought if one was good, four would be better. I spent $82 on a tiny bottle of CE Ferulic because a thread on Reddit said it was the ‘gold standard.’ I used it every morning for three weeks and all I got was skin that smelled like hot dog water and a wallet that was significantly lighter.

Retinol is the only one I actually believe in, but it’s a pain. It makes your skin peel like a lizard for the first month. I gave up twice before I finally stuck with it. If you’re going to do it, use the 0.3% strength from The Ordinary. It costs less than a lunch at Chipotle. But honestly? Most of you will quit after a week because it makes your face itchy. I might be wrong about this, but I think most guys should just skip the fancy serums entirely until they’ve mastered the art of just washing their face every night. Most of us can’t even remember to floss.

Why I hate Kiehl’s

I’m just going to say it. Kiehl’s is the most overrated brand on the planet. I know they have that ‘cool apothecary’ vibe and the skeletons in the windows, but their stuff is overpriced and full of essential oils that do nothing but make my face turn pink. I bought their ‘Facial Fuel’ once—another ‘For Men’ trap—and it felt like putting peppermint schnapps on my cheeks. It stung. It was expensive. Never again.

Contrast that with something like The Ordinary or even Vanicream. Vanicream is what dermatologists recommend when your skin is literally falling off. It’s boring. It has no smell. It looks like something they’d use in a hospital. But it costs $9 and it never, ever causes a breakout. Boring is good when it comes to your face.

The controversial take on sunscreen

Here is my genuinely risky statement: I don’t think you need sunscreen if you’re just walking from your house to your car and sitting in a windowless office all day. The Reddit ‘sunscreen police’ will tell you that you need SPF 50 even if you’re sitting in a basement playing video games. That’s insane. I only wear it if I’m going to be outside for more than 20 minutes. Is that scientifically sound? Probably not. But I hate the feeling of grease on my face, and I’m willing to take the 2% increase in wrinkle risk for the comfort of a dry forehead. Anyway, if you must wear it, get the Japanese stuff (Biore Aqua Rich). It feels like water. It’s a total lie that all sunscreen has to be thick and white.

Skincare is a bit like a software update for your face—you don’t really notice it working until you stop doing it and everything starts glitching. I tracked my skin for 120 days and the biggest difference wasn’t the expensive creams. It was just the consistency. Washing my face every single night, even when I was exhausted or had a few drinks, did more than any $100 serum ever could.

Do you actually enjoy the process, or do you just do it because you’re afraid of getting old? I still haven’t figured out which one I am.

Just buy the CeraVe in the green bottle. That’s the whole trick.